


A Delicate Reason

by Cornonjacob



Category: The Dragon Prince (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Humor, I have angered God for the last time, Moon, Travel, Xadia, oh god they have my family please kudos and subscribe and bookmark and maybe even shit and cum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 08:39:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20636288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cornonjacob/pseuds/Cornonjacob
Summary: Callum and Rayla fall in love while on their quest in Xadia, which may or may not have been a terrible idea. But it certainly wasn't as awful as the idea Callum has at some point after that, which I am not going to spoil, but he would have won a Darwin Award if they existed in the Dragon Prince. Rayla does not get pregnant nor get accosted by the CEO of Racism in this story.





	A Delicate Reason

On their journey into Xadia, Callum and Rayla had realized their feelings for each other. This was a very healthy and jubilate pairing like the eternal bond between tomato slices and mozzarella cheese in a hearty caprese salad, but also they live in medieval fantasy racism world, so getting together might have been the absolute fucking worst possible thing they could have done, and that caprese salad is a hot poo poo poison platter because they probably still think tomatoes are toxic there.

In a testament to his bulging intellect, the young prince sought to master the Arcanum of the Moon. He did this not because it was easy, but because it was hard. That night, the tragic sound of the young prince's eyes withering as he stared at the lunar mass could be heard. He gazed upon the moon that night without respite, yet the moon told him to fuck off like the cheap cardboard egg carton he is. The light of the moon is reflected sunlight, and though the sun may fry eggs quickly, the moon offers a slow, hard-boiled death. Hour after hour, the pale light flowed into Callum, and the light was thick and girthy. His eldritch knowledge grew three sizes that day, yet only so tightly can a mortal clench their asshole to contain such power, and so his sanity crumpled like a fiddle.

Rayla had just started walking when she heard a rhythmic, wet slapping sound akin to a frog orgy with two toad participants from behind her. It was Callum, hunched over the base of a tree that she had just released her bladder on. He was practicing the principles of dark magic and shoveling vast clumps of fresh pee dirt into his face crevice, in order to absorb that scrumptious Moonshadow magic. He was metaphorically feeding on her trust and vulnerabilities, and he had a fucking feast.

"Caylum! Wha tae fuck didju doo!?" Rayla shouted in my best approximation of her accent at what had become of the man she loves.

"Goo goo ga ga, dickhead," Callum replied, having decided that he was now a baby.

Though disgusted, Rayla did not push him further on account of him learning how to self-destruct for a whopping two hundred base power once per day when sufficiently agitated, coupled with the fact that he was holding Zym. He had done so once, when she had refused to naked mud wrestle with him in the name of human-elf relations, except instead of mud it was a pile of avocado mash which he had called the stage for Avocapalypse, the premier wrestling event of the century. He said he was disappointed that his girlfriend "wasn't down with getting hurty and dirty" before using a burst of lightning to instantly incinerate his clothes. As his eyes pulsated with an unholy glow and his crotch vector increased in direction and magnitude, Rayla could only panic punch Zym in the face so that the bruising would obscure the baby dragon's sight of her lover's avocado speckled lengthy length. And then he exploded. Rayla is now banned from holding little dragons.

Callum had just finished eating about thirty seven Dino Nugget shaped (he's very picky) servings of pee dirt. He whimpered pathetically like someone who finally achieved UNO and then immediately got slapped with three Wild Draw 4s. Because he had gone about thirty seven Dino Nugget shaped servings of pee dirt over the recommended daily servings for people, his tummy hurt. He cried a little too and now his face looked like an entire rotisserie monkey.

"The dirt was looking at you funny, so I taught it a lesson," Callum moaned to defend himself. He then tried to whistle inconspicuously, but his tight mouth was still 144p, so he just sounded like he was motorboating but with a real boat and it was wet.

"Come on you big, dumb human, let's go see a doctor. There's a village nearby, it's a little risky but you can use Moonshadow magic to look like an elf," Rayla said with affection and still with her normal accent, which I'm too stupid to write accurately.

Callum in turn tenderly smiled, "OK Rayla, you can show me a Xadian town!" he exclaimed. Zym excitedly yipped in response except he was much cuter and didn't have awful yellow stained teeth. He embraced her with warmth, morphing before her eyes into the form of a Moonshadow elf, holding her close to perfect the image of the ideal elven mate. I have an erection.

"Eighteen naked cowboys wanting to suck cowboy cocks, by the power of Ram Ranch you are now rocks!" Callum uttered at the top of his fucking Sky magic lungs, invoking his new incantation to disguise Zym as a pet rock, the least suspicious pet of them all.

They sauntered inconspicuously into town. I could describe the peaceful tranquility of the elves as they milled about the fair summer day, a cool breeze swaying the fields of wheat, or the lighthearted chatter permeating the market square ringed by vendors hawking their wares of all kinds, each carving their little livelihoods, or the persistent yet quiet bustle of everyday life in this little elven village, children laughing and playing as their parents watched over them content, the crackling of mound upon mound of creamy mashed potatoes somebody had set on fire in front of the town hall, the scent of fresh bread from a baker, and a pleasant cacophony of a hundred sources coming together to say that life here was good. But I won't because nobody had died yet and it was boring as hell. Callum, Rayla, and Zym were now at the doctor's office, which was in between the raised pillory where the town idiot was currently being pelted by rotten fruit from passerby, and the Starbucks.

"I demand the Pepto-Bismol!" Shouted Callum as he erratically and irregularly pounded the front door, "I have osteoporosis! My lungs are failing!"

Rayla opened the unlocked door and sought the doctor before her boyfriend could do any further damage with his incessant screaming. This was sensible, except Rayla was Naruto-running as usual at full speed down the hospital hallways, so she looked like a major asshole.

"God damn it Rayla, you're a trash assassin," Callum whispered by yodeling, "You're dummy thicc and the clapping of your ass cheeks alerted the doctor."

The doctor who has a name asked, "What seems to be the problem?"

"This is my boyfriend, Callum," Rayla said, gesturing to said Callum without looking, "We have been sexually active, but he's gotten sick because he ate some dirt I peed on. Is there anything you can do to help, doctor?"

"I'm fetching the town police," the doctor responded, who looked horrified and also lost The Game.

Rayla turned around to see that Callum had changed his disguise to that of an elven child out of boredom.

"I have a crippling addiction to methamphetamine," little elf boy Callum said in the most precious voice.

Rayla's instincts took over. She bolted like Usain Bolt, who can run really fast. There would be no way to explain the situation without compromising Callum's identity, and so they fled, Rayla grabbing whatever medicine looked useful as they escaped while Callum used the supplies from the janitor's closet to create mustard gas. Using an Aspiro spell, he spread the fumes and systematically killed all of the patients in order of age, gender, and longitude as a distraction.

"Stop them!" One of the patients shouted with urgency, but nobody heard him because the patient was dead.

Outside of the hospital, Rayla, Callum (still in elven child form), and Zym (still in pet rock form) were racing out of the village while being pursued by the village's police. Rayla reached for her stupid sword butterfly knife things but was stopped by Callum, who was currently having a rare instance in which his natural brilliance and moon-induced insanity met.

"OK! Alright! I confess to my crimes!" The prince shouted at the police while holding up pet rock Zym like Rafiki held up baby Simba in The Lion King, "We are guilty of beating several homeless fellow elves to death with this stone! They were homeless!"

The police subsequently lost interest and the trio just left the village, which was now on fire.

To be continued in the next chapter, which is just Callum and Rayla having sex in a cave while it rains outside and forgetting that Zym is there who then gets traumatized.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah the title and end of the summary are references to a frankly phenomenal series of stories by Jelly. Please read those for a very refined quality Raylum fic and not this funny (I would like to think) horseshit.


End file.
